is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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