i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
