I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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