Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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