Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I fill condoms, not promises.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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