Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
