I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
