Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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