does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
