I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
