I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
