Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
