he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
