ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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