What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
