remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
