I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
