filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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