i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
