so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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