is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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