thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
