Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
