This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
