I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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