just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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