That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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