Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
