guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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