Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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