You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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