this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
