How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
