I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
