Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
