He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
