How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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