If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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