i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
