I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
