I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
