So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
