on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
