i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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