I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
