you traded sex for a burrito?
Ketchup is God's man juice
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
