Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
