Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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