He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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