Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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