Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
