you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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