no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
