i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
