why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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